My Mom just left last night. She was with us for 10 days for a visit. We live about 2,800 miles apart, so it was great to have her here. My wife told me this morning that my Mom is no longer welcomed here. I had no idea that there was a problem that would cause my wife to make that statement. Should I persuade my wife to let my Mom continue to visit us?
Are you out of your mind?
Whatever happened between these two women has changed your world, possible forever. There is really no value in trying to understand what happened or to try and change your wife’s mind. Even if you did have your mom visit again, the tension might be unbearable.
You now have to plan to visit your Mother. You could ask your wife if she wants to come along with you, but assume she will be happier to stay at home. You did not mention if you have children. If you do, they too now need to travel to visit their grandmother.
You need to make plans to visit your Mom and stay for as long as she stayed with you. This may impact your regular vacation plans with your own family, but you and your Mom need time together. Your Mom might be thrilled to have you all to herself during your visits to her. Your visits to see her may actually add more value to your Mom’s life. There may be things that you could do for her around the house, etc.
If your wife complains that your visiting schedule impacts your family vacation plans, then remind your wife about her new rule. What is important is that you spend time with your Mother. Your wife has created a more complicated and expensive family situation. Hope she knows what she is doing. Do not back down from your wife. Make the trips, take any kids and enjoy your time with your Mother.
Message from Mary Bart: I was my parents’ principal caregiver for ten years. I have first-hand experience in helping aging parents, dealing with family dynamics, protecting parents from elder abuse and working with public and private organizations. Do you have a question for me? Please email your questions to: firstname.lastname@example.org
An important note: I love answering your questions, but I also encourage you to seek professional legal, financial, or medical assistance. Mary.
Updated: July 10, 2013