Anger: After the Death of a Child

| Grief Author

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Anger: After the Death of a ChildThere are a multitude of emotions that set in after the death of a child.  I experienced all of them, but one really stands out to me:  Anger.  The word alone provides many thoughts and images.  But for many men, anger is the one emotion society allows us to have without too much “judgment”.  It’s what men do, right?  We get angry.  Unfortunately, for many grieving dads, they get stuck there because society is uncomfortable with a grown man expressing his sadness openly.  Therefore, this anger begins to fester over time and manifests itself into physical and psychological issues.

I have spoken to hundreds of grieving dads over the last couple of years that have shared with me things that have/do anger them.  The following is a list of many of the things that make them “angry”:

  • They become angry at themselves for not being able to protect their child.
  • They become angry because the life they once knew is gone.
  • They become angry at God for allowing the loss to occur.
  • They become angry because the world keeps moving after their loss, like nothing happened.  “My child has died, how can the world keep moving?”
  • They are angry at people who may have had a role in the death of their child.
  • They are angry because some people around them just want them to “get over it and get back to the old you’”.
  • They are angry because they lost control of themselves and their emotions.
  • They are angry at their employers for not understanding that their performance at work has been forever impacted and that they are not the same person as they were before.  It’s hard to care about things that just do not seem to matter.
  • They are angry because they have lost hope and can’t seem get it back.

 

Can you relate with any of these?  Is there anything you would like to add as far as “what makes you angry?”  Feel free to comment.

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| Grief Author

Kelly Farley was caught up in the rat race of life when he experienced the loss of two babies over an 18-month period. He lost his daughter, Katie, in 2004, and son, Noah, in 2006. Like many men, during these losses and the years that followed, he felt like he was the only dad that had ever experienced such a loss....

  • Lynn

    Angry I will never see my child again.

  • LynLyn Chote

    I saw my son on Mothers Day 2014. One week later, I got the call…you know, the call none of us ever think we will ever get… The phone rang. It was my ex. He told me the police told him that our son jump into a lake and never came up. No one could find him under the water. They didn’t find him until the next day. So many things went through my head waiting on the side of the lake watching the divers go in……come up…..back in….back out… For hours…. I knew the last time the divers came up that they had found him. I saw yellow gallons wrapped around a black bag being pulled out. The officer looked at me….you know that look that’s given to the mother that just lost her child. The picture I had given them earlier had confirmed it was my Jeremy. The whole world started spinning. Faster and faster…. It was like it was laughing at me. Like I was being punched in the gut by the evil of this laughing world. I remember, I turned over to where they had my son, laying wet on the warm concert, and started to run. I needed to be there with him. To hold him so he knew I was there. I perished at the thought that he was alone. All alone now, all alone in that darkness in the water. He was there for many hours, floating in debris that held him so tight. That kept him there as the life drained from his eyes and his spirit drift from his body. I taste the water and smell the green of the water all the time….
    This is just part of my anger…. Sorry so long.

  • arnold ziffel

    Be careful how you express your anger after the loss of a child. Your other family members are hurting as much as you are, so please don’t get angry at them.

    When we lost our daughter, my wife took out her rage on me (and only me). I was feeling as bad as I’ve ever felt in my life, and was also the one who took care of the all the funeral arrangements, conversations with police, the coroner and probate court, all the while enduring blowups from my wife until I found out it was better not to even mention our deceased daughter with her (that was the only way I could get her to stop yelling at me).

    We’re divorcing now – it’s a horribly sad ending, and hurts our kids. I even feel selfish (although my wife filed for divorce) because I didn’t give my wife more leeway (although she never gave me a bit of relief from my pain).