Many of us carry within us words that define our life stories. I have several words, and for a long time the predominant one was “loss.” I spent many years feeling deprived of the love of my mother, her presence and her story.
Ina, my mother, died 13 months after I was born. For most of my life, I felt like a “motherless child.” She became a ghost-like fantasy to me, which is probably why I liked fairytales so much as a kid. Maybe I was wishing for a happy ending.
My father remarried when I was four (not a fairytale ending by any means) and the stories and pictures of my mother were buried in the vault of the past. Because Ina did not have an extended family, she got lost in the ether. It felt to me that the only evidence of her being here on this earth was the existence of my two older brothers and myself. I wondered about this woman who gave birth to me, and questioned whether I would have turned out differently if she had lived. Loss became the prevailing theme in telling my life story.
After experiencing the loss of my husband in 2009, and gaining a new perspective on death, I have come to understand that I did get to be with and know my mother during that nine-month gestation period in her womb. Ina left her loving imprint on me, providing the fertile ground that has nurtured my spirit and helped grow me into the person I am today.
The vision I have always “seen” of my mother’s hands gently protecting and guiding me throughout my life, and this ephiphany, has shifted me. I have come “full circle” to a place of belief and love for what time we had together. Laurel
COMING FULL CIRCLE .. a letter from a daughter to her mother
When I picked you from afar, I knew that you would gift me with life. With intention and purpose, I floated into your womb… absorbing your molecules and making them mine.
While tethered to you, I was cared for and fearless as you willingly provided nourishment, safety and unconditional love. I was enveloped by the sounds in the depths of your belly, and your heart and mine beat together in a life-forming synchronistic rhythm. Within the sanctuary of your womb, I grew from a seedling into a tiny being … swimming, kicking and moving about unabashedly.
The nine months I spent inside your belly strengthened and prepared me for what was to come in the “outside world.” As the time of gestation was coming to an end, I tried to hold on, to resist the next part of my journey ~ I must have a known that our time together on earth would be cut short.
Nonetheless, you pushed me forward. Your body urged me to move into the world, like an ocean wave crashing towards the shore. As I gulped in my first breathe of air and cried out, you breathed a sigh of relief, knowing with certainty that I would survive.
And then, as a sign of your enternal love, you bestowed upon me the unique and beautiful name to which I answer. I am and always will be your Laurel Diane.
Not until the afternoon of my life have I come to appreciate and be grateful for the the bonds that were built during those first nine months we spent together. Although you had only one precious year left on earth to be with me, your loving imprint is permanently affixed to my heart.
Laurel Diane Rund- 9/2013
Updated: December 3, 2013